


Five Times Tony Tried To Set Phil Up On A Date and One Time He Really, Really Didn't Have To

by infiniteeight



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Secret Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-23
Updated: 2012-12-23
Packaged: 2017-11-22 02:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/604776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteeight/pseuds/infiniteeight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony just wants Phil to be happy. It doesn't work out quite how he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times Tony Tried To Set Phil Up On A Date and One Time He Really, Really Didn't Have To

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moonlettuce (Claire)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire/gifts).



> Written for the [C/C Holiday Exchange](http://cc-exchange.livejournal.com). Many thanks to Perpetual Motion for beta reading for me!

1.

"Come on, Agent," Tony wheedled, following Phil down the halls of SHIELD headquarters. "I just want you to be happy! If you're not going to woo the cellist back into your..." Tony tilted his head, searching for an appropriate adjective, "...be-suited arms, then at least let me set you up with someone new. Blonde? Brunette? Redhead? Gets off on electrostim? You could put that Taser to good use. I won't judge, I swear."

"Mr. Stark." Coulson stopped outside his office and turned to face Tony, his tone polite but dismissive. "I don't need your help with my personal life."

Tony spread his hands. "I'm just saying, I've got 'em all on speed dial. Name three qualities, and I can have a matching woman picking you up at eight."

"Anyone that would allow you to set her up on a blind date on notice that short is not someone I'm inclined to trust," Coulson said dryly. He stepped into his office and, when Tony made to follow, closed the door all but in his face.

"Well." Tony straightened the cuffs of his shirt. "That was rude."

 

2\. 

Of course, just because Coulson said he didn't need help with his personal life didn't mean he was right. The man spent all his time either at SHIELD or with the Avengers. He even lived at the Tower, though Tony hardly ever found him on his personal floor. He needed something other than work in his life, and that was the opinion of a certified genius.

Tony would just have to get creative. 

Finding a date for Coulson was easy. Marianne was smart (which was why Tony had asked her out), looking to settle down (which was why she'd turned him down), and patient (which was why she was still speaking to him). She'd made Tony swear six ways from Sunday that the date wasn't with him, which was easy, since it was true.

It was also why she was crossing her arms at him in the lobby of Stark Tower.

"I'm just the welcoming committee!" Tony said, raising his hands defensively. "JARVIS? Would you call Agent Coulson down to the lobby, please?"

"Sir, Agent Coulson is...otherwise occupied," JARVIS said, with something that Tony would almost call a discreet cough. If Tony knew the meaning of discreet and if JARVIS could cough.

"Just get him down here," Tony urged.

Marianne sighed as they waited. "This really isn't looking good for you," she said.

"I promise, you'll like him. He's a little stubborn, that's all."

"With you, he'd have to be," Marianne drawled.

"I see you're familiar with Mr. Stark." Coulson's amused tones drifted past Tony.

He spun, his grin quickly dropping from his face. Coulson was in no way dressed for a date. Tony hadn't thought it would be a problem; the man practically lived in suits. But no, tonight he was in sweatpants and a t-shirt, of all things. "Agent! I didn't think you even owned casual clothes. Marianne can wait for you to change, though, right, Marianne?" Tony turned to her hopefully.

She rolled her eyes at him and turned an amused smile on Coulson. "I take it you weren't expecting a date."

Coulson closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. "I told you I wasn't interested, Stark." He looked Stark in the eye and spoke firmly. "I am quite happy with my personal life as it stands." He turned to Marianne. "Miss, I'm afraid you've wasted your time. I don't date," he said, obviously apologetic.

She waved him off, smiling. "I knew I was taking a chance when I said yes to a Tony Stark plan."

Coulson went back upstairs.

Marianne smacked Tony on the arm, but it wasn't the face, so hey, not bad.

 

3\. 

Quite happy with his personal life? Tony was skeptical. No one looked pained that often when they were happy at home. 

Besides, what kind of man didn't date? He hadn't even given a reason why! Just 'I don't date.' If he _explained_ , then Tony might agree that it wasn't necessary, or whatever. Maybe. 

But Coulson hadn't given any reason in particular not to date, so Tony went ahead with Plan C, Plans A (offering) and B (setting it up) having failed.

Tony got to the restaurant a whole fifteen minutes early, which was a record for him. He selected a nice little table in a discreet back corner, ordered a drink, and waited. Coulson arrived precisely on time, and gave the small table and the mood lighting a wary look. He sank into his seat slowly, setting his briefcase down on the floor. "We're going to need a bigger table if we're going to be discussing technical plans, Stark. And better lighting."

"But this table is so private!" Tony said, beaming. "We need privacy, right?"

"The conference room at the Tower is private," Coulson said. Tony looked over Coulson's shoulder. Ahh. He raised a hand and waved. Coulson sighed. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

"Agent," Tony said, rising from his chair, "this is Jill Parsons." He offered his chair to Jill, who smiled her thanks at him and sank down into the seat. "Jill, this is Agent Phil Coulson."

Tony looked at Coulson, optimistic. Jill was a knockout, blond and statuesque. 

"Tony's told me a lot about you," she said, and her voice was just like Tony remembered, warm and a little bit husky. A man would have to be carved out of ice to resist that voice.

Coulson's remote smile was lending some credence to the idea that he was, in fact, made of ice. "Miss Parsons," he said, "we seem to suffering a miscommunication. I am here for a business dinner with Mr. Stark. Since Mr. Stark seems to be on his way out, I'm afraid I will have to leave as well." He smiled suddenly. "As an apology for the inconvenience, I'm sure Mr. Stark will cover the cost of your meal, as well as any half dozen friends I encourage you to invite."

He stood, picked up his briefcase, and nodded to Tony before walking out.

Jill invited nine friends.

It still wasn't the most expensive apology dinner Tony had ever paid for.

 

4\. 

Clearly, there was a problem with his selection criteria.

Fortunately, Tony lived with two people who'd known Coulson for years. He had the sinking feeling that Natasha would take him apart if he tried to pry, but Clint was a lot easier going.

"Hey," Tony said, sliding into a seat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in one hand. Clint, his mouth full of cereal, just nodded back. "So, I've been trying to set Agent up on a date."

Clint choked, coughed, and sprayed bits of cereal across the table. Tony grimaced and edged backwards. "Yeah?" Clint said, laughter edging his words. "How's that going for you?"

"Not too good," Tony said mournfully. "I just want the guy to be happy! You want him to be happy, right?"

Clint grinned. "I promise you, Coulson's happiness is very important to me."

Something about that seemed off. Tony frowned at him. "Well, help a guy out, then. Does he have a type?"

"Trust me, Tony," Clint said. "If you try for a thousand years, you will never get Coulson to go on a date you set up. Type's got nothing to do with it."

Tony glared at him as he finished his cereal, but Clint just seemed to get more amused the longer it went on.

 

5\. 

Since Barton wouldn't play ball, and Natasha was still 100% likely to eat his heart straight from his chest, Tony was forced to take the nuclear option.

Hacking into Coulson's personnel file was really too easy; Tony was beginning to think that SHIELD had given up on even trying to keep him out. 

Coulson's relationship status was classified. Seriously, who classified their relationship status? His emergency contact and life insurance beneficiary were both Barton, which was really sad and only confirmed that he desperately needed help getting a life outside of work. Fortunately, for Tony's purposes, he had family. His father had passed, but he had a mother and a sister listed. Who knew? Tony tried the sister first, but no one picked up, so he dialed the other number.

"Linda Coulson speaking."

The voice was female, solid and maybe just a bit absent. Tony smiled. "Hi, ma'am," couldn't hurt to be polite, "this is Tony Stark."

"What can I do for you, Mr. Stark?"

Huh. Most people had more of a reaction than that to his name, one way or the other. On the other hand, this was Coulson's mother. "I work with your son--"

"Is he okay?" Mrs. Coulson interrupted, voice suddenly sharp.

"Oh! Yes, he's fine," Tony hastened to reassure her. "No--" Crap, how much did she know about Agent's job? "No problems at all. Professionally. I've just been getting to know him better and I'm a little worried that he doesn't seem to have much of a life outside of work..." Tony trailed off, hoping she'd pick up the conversation with a sigh and some stories about past girlfriends. Or at least a hint or two about why Coulson didn't date.

"What do you mean?" She sounded worried instead of long-suffering. Not in the plan, but maybe he could work with it. "He hasn't gone back to sleeping in his office, has he? I thought Clint put a stop to that."

"No, it's not that bad," Tony said. Geez, sleeping in his office? And here he hadn't thought Coulson had room to get worse. "It's just that he always seems to be with--" Tony paused. This being discreet thing was way harder than it sounded. "With my team when he's not at work. I've tried setting him up on a few dates, but--"

"Excuse me, did you say my son is _dating_?" The sharpness was back. Tenfold. 

"Sort of?" Tony offered. "I'm still trying to work out--"

There was a loud click, and Tony pulled his phone away from his ear to discover that the call had been disconnected.

This was not good. Hopefully Coulson wouldn't find out.

 

+1

Before the Avengers, Tony hadn't particularly liked breakfast. He tended to work late nights, which mean lunch was usually his first meal of the day, and when he did see breakfast hours he was either coming off an all-nighter or being dragged out of bed at an ungodly hour by Pepper insisting he go to some boring meeting or another. You'd think they'd have learned not to set the meetings they actually wanted him to be at before one in the afternoon.

After the Avengers got off the ground and everyone moved into the Tower, he learned to appreciate morning more. The six of them had such different lives that Tony often didn't see much of anyone but Bruce after breakfast, but in the mornings the Avengers plus Pepper and Coulson--and Jane, when she was visiting--usually ended up knocking about the kitchen together. It was unexpectedly nice, having multiple people that liked him in one place at one time, bickering about who'd emptied the coffee pot and trying to talk each other into making hot food.

On this particular morning, Tony was leaning against the kitchen counter working on his second cup of coffee, Bruce had let himself be bullied into making breakfast, and the others were at the kitchen table, chatting and occasionally calling out to make sure Bruce didn't need help. Pepper had already gone into the office, but Coulson was there. His tie and jacket were hung over the back of the chair until it was time to go, and he seemed to be filling out a crossword puzzle in the paper. Clint kept leaning into his personal space and making suggestions that made the corner of Coulson's mouth turn up.

"Agent Coulson," JARVIS interrupted abruptly.

Coulson looked up from the crossword. "Yes, JARVIS?"

"Your mother is requesting access to the living quarters. Shall I unlock the elevator controls?"

Shit. Tony hid his face in his coffee mug and hoped this wasn't about the phone call.

Coulson looked surprised. For some reason he glanced at Clint, who just shrugged. "Of course, JARVIS. Send her up."

Coulson went out into the living room to meet her when she came off the elevator. Tony trailed after him, the rest of the Avengers following curiously. It only took a minute for the elevator to chime and open to reveal an older woman. She was in good shape, short hair a mix of blond and silver, her face wrinkled with laugh lines as much as anything else. Tony figured she was a couple of inches shorter than Coulson out of her short heels, and she wore a tan, hip length coat and had a purse slung over one shoulder. When she spotted Coulson she stalked out of the elevator and tossed her purse on the couch without looking. 

"Mom--" Coulson started but he didn't get far.

"Phillip Jonathan Coulson!" she snapped, bracing her fists on her hips. "What is this I hear about you _dating_?"

"Mom, I don't know what you're talking about," Coulson said in his calmest, most gentle voice.

Mrs. Coulson shook a finger at him. "Don't you use that tone of voice on me, young man!" Tony turned to Bruce and mouthed, _Young man?_ Bruce shrugged and mouthed, _Mothers_ , back at him. Coulson's mom kept going. "Why am I getting calls from strange men about the _dates_ you've been on?"

Realization dawned on Coulson's face. He turned to Tony, who tried to step back into the kitchen, but Clint caught him by the shoulder and shook his head, grinning.

"Tony!" Coulson accused. "You called my _mother_?"

"Don't you change the subject!" Mrs. Coulson broke back in. "You're a married man! I won't hear of any son of mine stepping out on his spouse!"

"Wait, married?" Tony blurted. He looks around at the others, but Thor, Steve, and Bruce looked just as surprised. Natasha was smirking and Clint had gone from grinning to snickering.

Mrs. Coulson was a focused woman; she ignored the byplay and kept her gaze trained on Coulson like a laser. "If you two have been having problems, why didn't you call me?" Some of the anger drained out of her. "You've been so happy, Phillip, I just don't see where this is coming from."

"Mom." Coulson stepped forward and took her hands in his. "I swear, I have not been on any dates. Tony tried to set me up a few times, but I didn't go."

She frowned. "You didn't stand the poor boys up, did you? Being stood up is terrible."

Steve's eyebrows were climbing into his hairline. He leaned over to Tony and whispered. "Boys?"

"Don't ask me," Tony hissed back. "I set him up with women. No wonder he didn't even look. "

Behind him, it sounded like Clint was choking on something.

"Did you want me to be faithful or to not stand them up?" Phil was asking his mom dryly, smiling.

Mrs. Coulson snorted and smacked him on the arm. "You can call and apologize, Phillip." She gave him a searching look. "You're _sure_ everything is okay?"

Coulson sighed and looked over at Clint. "Help me out, here?"

Tony frowned. Why...? And then Clint crossed the room and slid his arm around Coulson's waist. It was a familiar, comfortable gesture. "I promise, Ma," he said to Coulson's mom, his snickers transformed into a warm smile, "me and Phil are good. It's just that senior agents' spouses are supposed to be classified, for security reasons. Hardly anyone knew. And Tony," Clint waved a hand in his direction, "is too damned stubborn to stop when Phil told him to."

"Hey!" Tony protested. "I'd have stopped if he'd told me he was taken."

"Without me providing the name, address, and social security number of my spouse?" Coulson asked dryly, turning to raise his eyebrows at Tony. "Somehow I don't think so."

"So how long have you two," Tony gestured at the Phil and Clint, "been hitched?"

"If I'm going to get grilled," Coulson said, shaking his head but smiling, "I'm at least doing it over breakfast. Kitchen, all of you."

"Indeed," Mrs. Coulson announced. "I came straight from my hotel after getting up this morning, and I'm famished." She strode right at the cluster of Avengers and waved her hands at them. "Do I smell biscuits?"

They let themselves be herded into the kitchen with an ease that Tony suspected reflected their curiosity more than anything else, but he noticed that Clint and Coulson hung back. Tony only stepped into the kitchen for a second before peeking back into the living room. 

Clint had both arms around Coulson, now, and Coulson had a hand in Clint's hair as they kissed, slow and...kind of hot, actually. When they pulled apart, Coulson laughed softly. "You can stop holding back your glee," he murmured, barely audible. "I know exactly how much you're looking forward to draping yourself all over me now that discretion has gone out the window."

"You say that like you aren't already working out exactly how quickly you can move onto my floor," Clint teased. "And as a bonus, Fury can't blame the security breach on either of us."

"I am not thanking Stark," Coulson said darkly. "He made my mother fly halfway across the country to scold me." Clint just laughed and kissed him again.

Tony stepped back into the kitchen, smug. Maybe it hadn't worked out quite the way he'd intended, but Coulson was definitely happier.

Genius wins again.


End file.
